I am living with my parents right now. I have injured my knee while training for a marathon and they have an incredible backyard which makes it easier for me not to walk my dog the 20-30 minutes it would usually take just to get him to a dog park. I have compromised space for healing. And for my dog.
Equanimity is the capacity to be at peace with whatever is in front of you.
At this very second I have: Sunrise, black coffee, an injury, a handsome dog, an open window, silence.
I also have: The residual regret of leaving a long time lover who probably never should have been welcomed too far into my life. Of course I tried to swallow him. Just in case he might stick. He didn’t stick. Yesterday I had to give him a firm No I Don’t Want This, after seven or so years. I said no to him for the first time. I feel empty.
I have: Emptiness.
I have: Back pain.
I also have: A sudden lesson in my needs due to a possible new romance. If only he’d call me beautiful more frequently. Vanity is humiliating.
I have: Body dysmorphia.
I have: A single reason for romance.
I have: Vanity.
I also have: Endless grant writing and fundraising work. It takes up all my time, just as it does with a lot of artists, seasonally. If you are not an artist, perhaps you haven’t considered how we support ourselves. Well, we often beg for money. Artists spend a lot of time sourcing funds.
I have what I don’t have. I have No Romance. I have No Funds. I have deficits.
Equanimity would assure me: It’s really no problem.
Yesterday my ironically and hilariously contemporary meditation app (which, on a daily basis, tells me to put my phone away even though the phone is my portal to meditation so: What does it really want from me?) taught me the phrase “no problem”.
The thesis, essentially, of the guided meditation was as simple as: “You can’t have a problem if you don’t acknowledge the difficulty.” Images of white women drinking white wine at age fifty-something alone in their large houses purchased for them by their ex-husbands came to mind.
“If you’re worried about your problems, just say the words No Problem and you’ll be surprised at how easily your thoughts fall away.”
Did you leave the man who has been validating you for almost a decade? No problem.
Did you recently realize that you have been depending on men to validate you? For a decade? No problem!
Do you have artists who rely on you for money but you have no money? NO PROBLEM!
Equanimity is finding peace.
Peace for me, is in laughter.
These are big problems but how amazing is it that the only thing I can do is verbally minimize the issues. Say no. Say no to my problems. It’s an amazing idea! Just say no: To your problems. NO PROBLEM.
Ok. Maybe laughing in the face of a problem is the same as saying No. I write to give you laughter. I write to help you have No Problem.
This month, I write to ask for your help.
I am at peace with needing help.
Still: I need your help.
I am so proud of the work being done on my site specific piece for The Toronto Fringe, The Queen’s Eulogy, directed by my absolutely incredible friend and collaborator, Tanya Rintoul, performed and designed by a mind-numbingly talented creative team.
I have written a lot this year and I recognize that a lot of people are reading this blog as regularly as I have been posting. So, if you are a fan of my writing and you were hoping to find a way to support it further The Queen’s Eulogy needs all the support it can get.
We are raising $5,000 to support the production of a huge little play that speaks to societal inequity with humour, compassion and a lot of really strange, very Rachel Ganz type odd bits of Truth.
Can I get an “Amen”?…Or just a mini donation from any one of you. Your help will ultimately make it easier for me to keep writing, keep outputting essays, plays and anything else I can manage to publish. The more time I spend begging people for money, the less time I have to write so, if you believe in my work in any way, this makes it way easier for me to keep giving back.
It’s super simple too! Just click this link and purchase one of our amazing perks. It is as easy as purchasing a coffee or an online impulse buy only this money goes such a long way. If you can find it in your heart, I will personally find you and thank you.
In the meantime, I hope all of you are having an incredibly summer so far! Find a pool, escape into water, take a nap: Live with ease and vigour.
I love you all,