A compatibility compass for shy people
Raise your hand if you really need a hug but you’re afraid that no one will ever hug you again?
Bonus points if: You keep hugging yourself without realizing it, you’re cold all the time but you don’t know why, you’ve been eating non-stop, you’re in this moment right now nodding like “No, no no, yes.”
Eddie, I Hate You. A Memoir by Rachel Ganz is a big hug from a weird angle so get ready, you’re going to be ok.
The book details my past relationship, romance and sex fails and it offers a nice summary of ‘What Not To Do”.
Historically, women have been told What Not To Do To Your Man.
If it isn’t obvious from the title, Eddie is not going to touch on that worn subject.
Eddie, I Hate You is a book a bout learning self-love.
Every man I’ve ever hated has taught me something new about how to love myself, even if it took me years to learn.
You know that Ariana Grande song, “one taught me love, one taught me patience….” ok. So, let Eddie be exactly who he was for you: A lesson in (insert).
In fact, if you are hung up on a person of it you’re like me and you have a history of people whose stain refused to wash from brain after they left you, write their names on a piece of paper and give yourself a couple hours to laugh at “oh, now I know…”.
The name of the game is You.
You have to be the centre why you’re with Eddie.
My top three personal take aways from my most recent edit of Eddie: There are not plenty of fish in the sea, our friends are not right about our relationships, I am not a person who puts my relationships at the centre of my life which is totally fine but it does mean that I have to date someone who prioritizes their energy in the same way.
If you’re going to find your match, make sure you match in the following ways:
- Patience
- Privacy
- Priorities
1. Patience
The big thing to do: Go slow and get to know Eddie. Legit KNOW him.
Right in the middle of Eddie, I Hate You, in an essay called Yiddish Nightmares, right after Eddie ghosts, my “best friend” at the time gives me some great advice that her sage father once gave her, “There are so many fish swimming everywhere. Who cares about him?”
Ok well, there are fish, that’s true but, fishing takes patience and everyone other than dads and the daughters who quote them hate it so….next time anyone mentions The Fish, tell them that your’e not into fish and walk away from that person.
Just because there are fish…like, who cares about that?
If we don’t have patience, there might as well be no fish.
In every Eddie story, there’s always the problem of pressure and impatience.
I do not recommend expectations.
I do not recommend Working Hard at a person.
The best results, when it comes to anything including Eddie, is to take your time.
If you’re not into that, that’s fine as long as you make sure Eddie is on the same timeline as you.
According to my life, he will be in a hurry.
Slow down. Don’t let him speed you up.
Every great thing about every great person is hidden somewhere deep inside them.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. He is the man I have always wanted to love. We have had two fights, in two years. Both fights were me, a few months in, being like ARE WE THERE YET IS THIS LOVE YET, rushing him.
That shit only puts pressure on everyone and when we are under pressure we do and say things that we later regret. Which is, ultimately, going to make someone shut down.
Keep things alive. Keep things slow.
If you’ve currently met someone on an app or an online and you’re basically stuck being pen pals for a while: Listen, that’s perfect. Get to know them. Ask them questions about their context.
Don’t rush. Why are you in a hurry? Sit down and ask yourself. Is it marriage and kids that you’re worried you’ll never get? You can have those things. But, don’t go for it over night. Get to know, legit anyone. If you’re just chatting, chat with a few people. Make a friend. If they are your future boo, that’s the shit.
If you’re reading my blog, you’re probably lovely. Let some one see that and trust that, if you give it time, you will see it in them.
My man and I chatted on IG for almost a year before dating. We are both lovely and it took a couple years for us to be like WHOA you are really lovely. Worth it.
2. Privacy
The big thing to do: Find time to sit alone and think for yourself.
Ok, I’ll be brief with this one: Stop telling your friends all your problems that you’re having in your relationship.
Of course, anxiety bubbles, all the time in every relationship but the only opinion that matters, the only instincts that are right for your relationship are your own.
An outside perspective comes with too much bias.
Your friend has been through their own Eddies. They have learned their own lessons. But remember, your Eddie is with YOU and these are your lessons
Sit alone. Listen. Be patient (rule number 1). If you need to spend time away from Eddie, do it. Do not ask advice from friends. They do not care about Eddie the way you care.
If you’re experiencing something like abuse, that’s not what this article is about. This article is about having anxiety about the person you’re with and the intimacy that you’re creating with them. As in “Oh, we’re getting closer, I’m nervous that he’s going to get to know “the real me””….that kind of thing.
If you have nervous feelings, recognize what you’re worried about and write down the answer to this question: “what’s the worst that could happen?”
If he leaves you and you’re alone, it might be ok. If it feels like NO that would not be ok, then you can probably think of a way to communicate your anxiety with Eddie.
Love will listen.
But, keep it private. Don’t give anyone a reason to dislike Eddie. That is unfair to them and, if you communicate properly with them, chances are, you will be ok and having a lot of great sex again soon which will only annoy your friends.
On the other hand, I want. to say, if he is hurting you, abusing you, gaslighting you, TELL EVERYONE and let them help.
If you keep dating men who hurt you, again, please, please seek help. If you are alone or feeling alone, google a tele-therapy website or phone number, someone is out there to listen.
3. Priorities
The big thing to do: Manage your energy, not your time.
Finally, for the right relationship, you’ll want you and your boo to have similar priorities.
If you’re all about family, your career, recreation, whatever it is, it’s extremely important that Eddie puts his energy into the same shit as you.
I prioritize equality in my relationship and, personally, I prioritize my work.
If Eddie gets to work all the time, so do I. If I have to spend extra energy helping Eddie with whatever he needs, the right Eddie for me is someone who gives back that same energy without me having to ask.
In an opposite example, you might love helping people, at no cost to them. That’s beautiful! I can promise you with no doubt, your Eddie is out there. Still, make sure that’s what he wants. Otherwise, he might take you for granted which is BULL.
It’s ok for two people in a relationship to both Err on the side of selfish time management or maybe both people want to focus hard on housekeeping or maybe you decide to micromanage every little thing between the two of you, I love that for you, whatever works.
Just make sure you’re both prioritizing the same thing.
Either ask Eddie what his priorities are and trust his answer or observe him and be honest with yourself. You should probably run a mix of those two tests.
According to Eddie, I Hate. You, most men who don’t really care about you prioritize their egos so that all the want from you is your attention.
Your role in life, according to Eddie, should be Eddie.
…..goodbye Eddie.
Again this is about You.
Your own priorities need to be clear to you and understand that they may change over time.
It can be overwhelming, once a relationship gets going, to suddenly feel like you need to change where your time is going. The pursuit of love is a commitment and it. can be a hard adjustment for those of us who are used to focusing our entire lives on our work.
If I can do it, you can do it.
And, I only did it because. I took my time, incubated my relationship, and became certain that this is the right person for me and. he deserves my energy because I always get it back from him.
Whatever you are doing with your time, I recommend taking five minutes at the end of the day to acknowledge your accomplishments.
I like to use a chart like the one below to schedule the things that require my energy and, on the right hand side, I write down what I was able to accomplish with my day.
Notice, I never write “BOYFRIEND NEEDS”. It’s just not who I am and, since we’re both pretty career focused, it works for us. (I do, however, allocate time for Dr. Phil. Not sorry.)
Start to appreciate where your energy goes and then, if you decide to change that in conversation with Eddie’s changes, you’ll have an easier time adjusting.
Eddie, I Hate You. A Mermoir by Rachel Ganz, is launching super soon.
Please keep coming back to this blog, updated almost every day, for more info on the book release and follow my Facebook page for the most access to my wotk.
Thank for your love and readership. I hope great things come your way tonight.
Be true, be well, be courageous,
-Rachel
Rachel Ganz 