Healthy Loser

Recipe for A Not-So-Gross Green Drink below

Does “Healthy” mean “Sad”?

The health industry makes me sad.

I keep trying to be healthy but the food is sad, the people are obviously sad in that deep-deep-down-sadness kind of way and I keep failing at it which is sad.

I keep failing at health.

I should admit:  I don’t think I know what any of you mean by “Health”.

Do you mean sad? Does “Healthy” mean “Sad”?

If the industrial definition of Health is pushing people towards insecurity, obsession and a lot of botox then isn’t “Healthy” just a fancy word for “Sad”?

Let me explain,

I understand how other people construct Health Truth Sculptures in their heads, allowing them to walk down a yellow brick road of Future Heart Attack or Body Dysphoria or Current and Prevalent OCD-Driven depression, all the while articulating their belief in their own system for mastering Health: Look how disciplined I am, I strive to be above the social norm of decay and it’s working and I feel GREAT. 

They probably do feel great but what else—-

What are we really looking at when we are shown an image of a man in the gym with a six pack? Are we looking at health? Or, are we looking at a person with a lot of time and a six pack? What about him makes him Healthy?

Suddenly anyone with toned muscles is a Guru, a person worth listening to, a charming example of what I should be.

Health Gurus leech onto digital platforms with a lust for social superiority.

Some of you look very good, congratulations.

Some of you have such helpful tips, health tips and fitness tips and recipes, thank you and congratulations.

Some of you have travelled extreme roads, reversing your entire lifestyles, melting off entire masses of your body, extending your life span and achieving great Health (I think, it seems, we’ll allow the illusion, at least). Congratulations.

Maybe some of you hope to be inspirational and maybe you are inspiring many of your followers but I feel more and more like giving up, every time instagram shows me one more video of one more tiny woman doing handstands with her gorgeous half-naked husband or how about a perfectly sculpted surfer eating an apple, thumbs up and smiling above the caption “Nature is my goal”.

What is it about them that is healthy?

I think it’s just their pride.

Health is pride: Doing enough for yourself so that you are proud of yourself.

Ok then: I’m proud too.

I’m proud that I am 1) Not dead 2) Not stupid and 3) a really likeable version of Beautiful, Kind, Cunty, Self-Righteous, Artistic and Honest.

I am a Guru now too!

I am a Guru of Failure.

I am a Guru of I Have Been Doing Yoga for Fifteen Years and I Still Can’t Do Anything Cool

I am a Guru of Reality TV and Conan O’Brian Keep Me Alive

I am a Guru of Ease

I want to help you relax into You: You fucking broke, brilliant, gorgeous, laugh-of-an-angel, smile-of-the-sun, tiny, fat, sculpted, flabby, arrogant, lost, genuinely important, You.

After being either sick or injured for most of this summer, I’m taking the time to not be such a loser on the couch. Or, at least, to be a healthier loser on the couch.  I was going to buy a book or follow a blog but none of them are titled “Healthy Loser” so, I’ll just write what I need here and hope that it helps some of you too.

I don’t know what Healthy is but here’s what I think:  Healthy is what we feel when we help ourselves.

With that in mind, pressures and goals and expectations aside, I bought some green-coloured groceries today and I made a fucking drink, a healthy drink that doesn’t taste gross and is in fact delicious.

Most green drinks taste like grass to me but I have remedied the torture by including only ingredients that I actually want to drink and not the ones that we’re normally told to use even though they taste like grass.

The citrus and ginger in here is super anti-inflammatory which is great if you’re a loser like me who has been sick for a while, and the cucumber and apple are refreshing af since this humidity can drain every last bit of water you swear your drank today (but you didn’t).

Super refreshing and blessedly healthy if only for that good-for-me feeling you’ll get just by making it.

I improvised the recipe, it’s my own. I am no expert but still I know what I know. I’m just going to piece knowledge together now because that’s what it’s for (I think) and also I’m not an idiot. Health is not just for dummies. The dummies have mastered it. But, we can take over.

Recipe below.

Do something cheap and gorgeous for yourself. If you don’t have a blender: Party with a friend.  Also, this would taste great with vodka so, if that’s what makes you healthy today, go do you.


(Serves 4)


1 Lemon, squeezed/juiced

1 Lime, squeezed/juiced

1/2 Cucumber,chopped

1 tsp Pressed or Minced Ginger

1 Green Apple, chopped

1 cup of water



So, you can totally make this in a juicer but juicers are disgusting, take forever to clean, shit gets crusty…Girl, just blend it.

The Ginger: I admittedly squeezed from one of those tubes you can find in the produce aisle but honestly, just get some ginger root, peel it and chop it up, throw it in the blender and it will be fine.


(Some people need instructions ,ok?)

1) Put water in the blender FIRST

2) Put juices from lemon and lime in blender

3) Add chopped things

4) Blend on high

5) Enjoy!