I’ve dedicated quite a bit of time to writing about the men I’ve known, mostly to purge the ruins of the romances I have tried my “best” at but also to reach those of you who lay in ruins of your own. It seems to be working. I continue:
A List of Eddies Who Compile My Soul Mate
Last night I watched a woman cry.
If you watched The Bachelor Canada (one phrase, no punctuation) last night, you too watched a woman cry.
Katie was not offered a rose and it momentarily made no sense.
If you didn’t watch The Bachelor Canada (the title really needs a comma but no one is offering one so I’m just going to let it go), let me fill you in with one sentence:
Katie, a finalist, brings Chris home, shows him her journals, describes the ways in which it is clear to her that she manifested his existence in her life and then proceeds to call him Soulmate Chris (his name is Chris) while introducing him to her family, her life, their future together.
He could have been engaged to her.
And then she went and did That.
I felt for Katie.
She kept calling Chris “her person” to the camera, “I know he’s “my person”, I can feel he’s “my person”” and I understand her because I want so badly to find “my person” too. I even question if I already know him and maybe that’s why it’s so hard to sort through strangers. I have this existing feeling that I don’t really need to worry about being single and alone because unless I find This Person, partnership will be terrible.
When I work to solve loneliness, I regret loneliness.
When I don’t think about my loneliness, I am unknowingly enjoying loneliness.
I am slowly realizing that I can’t be with someone unless I am sure he is brilliant and, like Katie, I will make a fool of myself if I think I’ve found him (which probably explains why I rarely try).
Through Katie I realize, I have spent a good amount of my time alone imagining the man I will be with. Either he exists in my life already and I’m merely dreaming up clones of him or I am fucking around with Wants in a very dangerous way.
Whatever it is, I am very amused and newly committed to understand my personal construction of Love.
Digging deep into my past history of crushes, I’ve inspired this list of names, Celebrity Eddies, if you will, which have influenced my current construction of a soul mate. These are all people I have at one point, if only for a moment, fantasized about Having, in a variety of ways, either sexually, romantically or eternally. Most names have been dug up from memories of my solitudinous childhood, sitting alone in a room, believing fully, very very fully, that one of these individuals would find me and think that I am special enough to be with Him.
It has never happened.
If you believe that you are any or all of these people, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
- Weird Al
- Roger Rabbit
- Miss Universe 1998
- Most contestants from Miss Universe 1998
- Cory Mathews
- The entire cast of Saved By The Bell
- Van Morrison
- Rain Maida
- That Filipino V.J. from YTV (who I swear to God walked by me one time in New York)
- My cousin who I can’t name but he turns 40 tomorrow so that means he was 20 when I was 10
- Gene Wilder
- Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes)
- Philip Roth
- Matt Groening (though I did not know what he looked like or really who he was)
- Every male swim instructor I have ever had
- Some boyfriend I invented who would arrive at night just to make my blanket colder (not a metaphor, I just really liked it when my blanket was cold and I was 6 and he was probably 10, in my head)
- Tin Tin
- Ringo Starr
Once again, of you think you’re the construction I’m searching for, it’s likely I could really love you. In fact, it’s likely our souls should mate.