I have been trying plan my vocational track five years in advance. I have not accomplished much planning. Instead, I’ve been lying on the floor.
Lying on the floor is a healthy alternative to sitting down in the shower.
Either one will keep you from writing but at the time it will feel as cathartic as a warm patting on the back from a grade school teacher who shouldn’t be hugging you. Not really worth it.
If you’re like me, you will stand up and discover an urge to vomit.
Last night ended in stress vomit.
I chased a shot of whisky with a slice of raw beet. And then I vomited.
You could say it was the odd combination of consumptives. But, what delusional state could have led me to such an odd cocktail and then towards immediate purging of purple? What other than stress?
I vomited and then I promptly went back to lying on the floor.
I then re-downloaded Tinder onto my phone.
I felt like speaking to someone or, rather, I felt the urge to have someone say something to me.
I then decided to bake date squares.
I have no idea why.
The storm outside kept me from walking my dog. The vomit/beet taste and turning stomach kept me from developing an appetite. A lack of Tinder interactions kept me from feeling even the slightest bit present.
I walked, in my own body, to the kitchen, looked up a recipe on my phone and then baked date squares.
I had a recipe from God Knows Where. I don’t know if I Did the recipe but I
1) Boiled a bunch of dates in a bunch of water (I had a bag of dates from that time I discovered that Chinese medicine insists on dates being a combatant of insomnia)
2) Added Baking Powder to the water (It should be Baking Soda but I don’t have that so I did the idiot thing of assuming that those ingredients are the same)
3) Added brown sugar to the water, stirred, put a lid on the pot and let the filling simmer
4) Combined a hunk of dried oats, some flour, baking soda, brown sugar, butter and cinnamon in a bowl
5) Pressed the oat combination into a pan, layered on the filling, poured on the rest of the oats
6) Baked at 350 for 50 minutes
7) Let them cool at then ate into the pan with a fork
8) Lay down in bed and waited to puke
I did not puke: Good sign.
I did however go to bed speaking to a barber named something who was trying to get me to meet him somewhere. He was very boring but still, I imagined myself marrying him because maybe that’s the entire reason he found me on Tinder.
I have been trying to listen to signs from the universe.
I recently read the following quote in a book regarding “manifesting” about yoga:
“Stay open for signs from the universe and show up to assignments that are brought to you.” (Krasno, Jeff. Wanderlust, 2015)
Awesome. That must mean I must stay open to all men who might marry me. Which includes anyone who speaks to me on Tinder. Great. I fall asleep telling the barber that I won’t meet him for lack of interest BUT only because he has not proven to be more interesting than a night’s sleep NOT because he’s generally uninteresting. I did not call him boring, I just indicated that he was definitely boring me.
I woke up still single and I went to work.
Work was very busy.
At the end of the shift, I was offered a raise for having “come a long way”.
“Show up for the assignments that are brought to you.”
Show up to work tomorrow, that must mean.
And, should I feel the least bit nauseous, I suppose it is fruitful that I vomit.
I am home now, alone and totally unsure of what to do with myself, I suppose I should just be alone. Maybe that is my entire assignment.
Maybe the notion that I have a gift, writing is my gift and I should work very hard to make sure that people receive that gift from me, maybe that is not what the universe wants.
Maybe the universe wants me to make coffee for a slightly-above-minimum wage.
Maybe the universe wants me to sleep alone just so when I wake up I have to remind myself of all the people I know.
What does the universe want from me?
Just a little bit of vomit and a tray of half-assed dessert. For no reason.
Tinder is down right now. My phone is right next to me and I am staring at the app, it isn’t working, I cannot see any photos of any men. I ate date squares when I came home from work. I thought of buying groceries but now I can feel: Vomit. In ten minutes, I’m sure. There will be vomit.