I’ve been wanting to write about Body Dysphoria but I haven’t had time. I didn’t plan properly and it just didn’t happen. I am sorry.
Meanwhile, something new has come up…
Of course it begins with a struggle:
I’ve been struggling to know how to be a writer.
I know how to write. I just don’t know how to be a Writer. I feel bad for my work. I create things and they don’t go anywhere. In an effort to move forward, I’ve invented a couple of shows but it is seemingly impossible to find space, money, time to produce these works.
I asked an old teacher, a mentor for advice.
“How does anyone do this?”
He listed off a few options, some people have other jobs, a lot of people live off grants, people write for many mediums.
“You’ll find it, Ganz. But, you have to think bigger. Make a five year plan.”
He’s right and he knows me well, I have trouble thinking ahead.
I will be thirty-four in five years.
It will be 2022.
That’s it: That’s the entire plan: Be thirty-four in 2022.
What do I even want?
I think I have only ever wanted two things: An Audience and The Love Of My Life.
So far my plan looks like this:
- Write something
- Love somebody
Did I do that today?
Am I doing that today?
How do I plan? I don’t know.
Where do I want to be in five years? In love and in front of an audience, that’s it.
What does that look like? It looks like love and an audience…I don’t know any other goal.
The question becomes: Why do I want an audience? Why do I want love?
We want what we’ve learned we don’t have.
It is likely my struggle for achievement is limited because I cannot acknowledge that I achieve my most basic goals every day.
It is true, I cannot see the bigger picture. I am not gifted with the confidence to think ahead for myself. All I am do is obsess over obstacles: No one is listening and no one is here.
The goal is five years of acknowledgement.
What else can I plan? It keeps feeling like things are getting in the way of
“what I want to do” but the things I want to do are so broad…shouldn’t I be doing them every day? If I just do those two things every day, love and write, I believe they will lead me somewhere. Or, at least, if I track how I’ve failed to do these things, maybe I can begin to plan or at least help some of you begin to plan successes.
This log is stupid. It is very stupid. These are the things I do. They are just so stupid. As in, I hardly think. As in, I wish they were more intellectualized. As in, I need to start doing new things.
I believe many of you have days like these.
Take a look a vow to change.
- 4:30 AM My alarm rings. Ever since seeing the Carole King musical, I have programmed my phone to play “Beautiful” every time I want to wake up. I truly hate this song now. But, I’ve yet to change it.
- I only get out of bet to make a plate of crackers and peanut butter.
- I steep a cup of Earl Grey Tea which I hate but I’m out of coffee
- I go back to bed with my odd breakfast that I know I shouldn’t consume
- I watch regurgitated culture on Netflix.
- I fall asleep for an extended ten minutes. The television show plays in the background. Something isn’t letting me sleep. But, awake, I refuse to be.
- I shut out everything/Neglect joy/Waste time/Lie still while I’m meant to be out of bed and running with my dog, Mordechai
- 6:00 AM–My eyes open to check the time. I have one hour to get ready, walk my dog and get to work. I know today I have no dog walker for Mordy. He should have been well exercised this morning. He will not be. I have failed him.
- I also fail my entire image: Unwashed hair, unkempt and completely surrendered to it’s upsetting texture.
- I wear a plain outfit and wonder, as I put my make up on, the same makeup I have been wearing since I started this job, if I will ever look cool enough.
- I wear brightly coloured socks because a week ago my ego decided to make that it’s thing. Past the point of egotistical return, I wear them and wear my non-slip Walmart work shoes to tug my dog through his bathroom relief.
- I bring Mordechai home and he lies in front of the door, refusing to move, knowing I am leaving.
- I cry a bit.
- I leave Mordy food, a note for my friend who has agreed to walk him with a few instructions and a gift of a bottle of wine and a tiny notebook.
- I walk to work smoking even though I have “quit”
- I open shop at the cafe
- I bond with the chef over our inability to write food labels in the perfect handwriting my boss is able to write them in.
- I serve iced coffees to the back of house
- I confuse myself by assuming it is Sunday and falsely expecting the next server to come in right as I opened
- I stare at the door wondering where she is
- I open
- I work
- I begin to wonder if the customers have no respect for me
- I station myself on the bar and make coffees without looking anyone in the eye
- I get over myself
- I turn off my brain
- I rush home
- I eat a squash sandwich
- I wait for my friend who is walking my dog on my step
- I converse over text message with one of my favourite people who I do love and who I speak to with gratitude
- I greet Mordy with bacon
- I have short conversation with my friend in my convo while I drink whisky and she drinks water
- I shower
- I sit on the floor with my dog
- I take twenty million pictures of myself doing work on the floor
- I get up
- I lie in bed
- I read a page of a meditation book
- I breathe through a ten minute meditation and stop after five minutes
- I realize there is too much mucous in my body and I vow to starve myself until it is gone
- I wonder about a man who left me
- I masturbate
- I wake up wanting Kraft Dinner
- I lie in bed
- I read ten pages of a Classic Canadian Novel
- I search for guided meditations on iTunes
- I breathe through a ten minute guided meditation
- I cry a whole bunch
- I get out of bed
- I burn sage
- I write
- I ignore a phone call from my mother
- I smoke
- I wonder about the evening
If I reach any of you through writing this, I have accomplished a slight nod towards this plan. This plan to find you.
In five years I will have an Audience and a Love. That’s all I want. That’s the whole plan. I really know nothing else.
If all I did today was admit that…Then, thank you. Tomorrow will be something further. Day two will reveal step two. I cannot plan it ahead of time. All I can do is reveal what I’ve done in hindsight and hope that it helps other people plan further.
Perhaps this is a lifestyle blog now. For writers and lovers.
Come back tomorrow.
I plan to be here.
You can also follow me on Instagram for really amazing posts about Nothing @rachelganz