I’ll be writing for the next month, the last month of my twenty-eighth year, to purge stories from my “romantic” history (inspired by recent abandonment).
In an effort to not be such a bitch, I’m going to protect the anonymity of my past lovers by calling them all Eddie. I have thereby entitled this series, “Eddie, I hate you”.
As Good As I Can
With each story I try to evaluate my level of exaggeration. The urge to hyperbolize pain of course comes from anger but also comes from the storyteller’s tendency towards drama. This installment is based in transcription because at this point I’d like the reader to evaluate whether or not I’m being unreasonably reactive.
I met Eddie a week ago on a dating app.
Admittedly desperate and too sad for comfort, I went back on the app where I met the Original Eddie, the one who tail-spun this series, I deleted all my old matches and I started over.
I messaged every single one of my matches. Few of them got back to me.
Eddie got back to me.
ME: You’re cute
Standard opening line, I send it to everyone, I don’t even check their pictures, I just let them know
EDDIE: (Next day) Thanks! How’s your weekend going beautiful
I hate being called anything but my name by men I don’t know but I let it slide because I’m now my morning state of Upset Because Original Eddie (O.E.) left me and I sigh with a fortified neglect of his message until three minutes later, nearly at work, I decide it’s worth it to “try”
ME: It’s over. I have to work today. How’s yours?
EDDIE: Not too bad thanks! Do you work in film?
Where he would get this idea, I have no idea
ME: I work in theatre but I also work in a bakery
EDDIE: That’s awesome!
ME: Ha. Really? What do you do?
EDDIE: I’m a carpenter.
ME: Sexy career choice
My exact thoughts when anyone tells me they are a carpenter
EDDIE: Why thanks. You’re cute.
I hate him
ME: Thank you
EDDIE: You’re very welcome
I never want to meet him
ME: Do you date on here a lot
By now it’s night time. I had messaged him a little throughout my shift at work, got home around 3 pm and decided to message him throughout the night because I was alone and bored and drunk and whatever feeling all those feelings result in
EDDIE: I don’t. Met one person. You?
ME: Same. Met one person.
I think of O.E. I cry.
EDDIE: Want to meet number 2? ***ANNOYING EMOJI NUMBER ONE
ME: You want to meet me?
I’d like him to tell me exactly why. I don’t believe he’s met only one person on here. I believe maybe he’s dated only one person on here but met a few others for one night stands. I don’t think too hard about what he’s saying. But, that’s mainly because I dismiss most of it as lies which is hardly fair to him but, then again, sometimes men must work as a team to require trust and, lately, none of them are pulling through for one another as far as I’m concerned. Ergo, he’s lying, somehow.
EDDIE: I do!
ME: Ok. But, and I say this without presumption, you can’t be a dick. Please. Don’t be a dick.
Just let him know that I know he’s probably a dick without realizing it. Most Nice Men are, it seems and I think all of this from the perspective of a woman who fell for the sweetest man she ever met and then was eventually deserted by him out of nowhere. A fog of contempt, I guess.
EDDIE: I’m not. Actual gentlemen.
He’s, apparently, plenty of nice men. Pluralized. Idiot.
ME: Ok. I’m not actually that tightly wound!…I just am slightly at the end of my rope concerning dicks. What will we do?
EDDIE: I understand. Anything you want.
Cop out. Not a creative.
ME: What do you like to do?
EDDIE: Today I’m just taking it easy. Literally just eating pizza on my couch lol
ME: Yeah, I get that. I’m just watching TLC and routinely glancing at dog.
EDDIE: hahahhha want to come hang
SO MUCH FOR BEING GENTLEMEN, EDDIE
ME: Where are you?
EDDIE: (Location of home)
ME: mmmmmm….no. That feels like an adventure.
I have entertained pursuing a hook up for exactly one minute but it was literally his location that turned me off.
EDDIE: It will be a fun adventure ****ANNOYING EMOJI NUMBER 2
ME: Tbh, I don’t want to lead you on, I’m not going to go to your place if I’ve never met you
EDDIE: I totally get that. Sorry I’m new at this lol
ME: I’m actually shocked to hear that women do that, apparently I’m more neurotic than most but I’m ok with that. No, don’t feel bad! Most men occasion that invite and apparently women go, I’ve never gone
Why I am rescuing this man from shame, I have no idea. He should feel bad. He should respect more theoretical boundaries. He should have no real right to pressure, even in the slightest, a strange woman into his home. He should understand his predatory attempt. But. I don’t want him to feel bad.
EDDIE: I completely understand
ME: OR they invite themselves over (I send a screenshot of another man making a dirty attempt at coming to my house) That’s a pic of my favourite one
EDDIE: Seriously ****ANNOYING EMOJI NUMBER 3 Who says that, I’m dying lol
ME: hahahha that guy
Now I’m having a good time and the distraction is comforting
EDDIE: I destroy men like that
Now I hate him again
ME: And also, my pictures don’t really even invite off-the-top sexual banter. Well. He’s just being himself
EDDIE: Well he’s not normal
I actually don’t appreciate the judgmental tone. How does this guy know he’s any better than that other guy?
ME: He probably sent that to a bunch of women and one of them probably loved it. Do you want to see another one?
EDDIE: hahahhaha I believe you and he probably had no luck
This is the point where I really think this guy is stupid. I don’t mean he isn’t a good carpenter or he isn’t bookish or whatever other cliché “I’m sure he’s a” thing I could say, I just mean, he’s extremely naïve. Dirty things happen everywhere. There is no such thing as a gentleman and there is no such thing as Standard Manners. Different people look for different things on those apps. Plenty of women look for immediate, gratuitous sex. Plenty of women hate it but, then again, it wouldn’t continue if it didn’t flatter at least some of us MAYBE ONLY WHEN WE ARE TOTALLY DRUNK AND DESPERATE, but if that’s when it works, it works. I believe there is someone for everyone. I don’t believe in judging attempts. I believe in knowing our own boundaries and I believe in awareness which involves listening to what’s underneath. If Eddie is making fun of other men, he’s hiding something.
ME: He might have. Dumb people fall in love all the time.
I say this knowing it strikes his vernacular.
EDDIE: This is true. And they make more stupid people lol
EDDIE: You sound awesome
ME: But I feel like most television I enjoy is based on these people so I like them haha do I still sound awesome?
EDDIE: hahaha I build sets for tv shows lol
Where the fuck did this come from
ME: I guess I’m ok. I’m still single so, no one has really craved my awesomeness for too long…but. I’m probably at least good for an evening. Do you really? That’s very impressive!
I’m getting so much more desperate as this conversation continues, clearly. The fact that he doesn’t pick up on it is pathetic.
EDDIE: I do. And thanks ***ANNOYING EMOJI NUMBER 5 Well I’d love to meet your awesomeness
ME: Yeah. I’d love that too
EDDIE: Text me (His number)
I hear from him the next day and the next. Both conversations are full of annoying emojis numbers 6-300. I don’t like him. When I don’t hear from him further, it doesn’t bother me. Last night, literally one week from the first time I messaged “you’re cute”, I’m out, I’m drunk and when I get home, I’m so sad.
I miss Original Eddie. The last I heard from him was two weeks ago. I sent him a series of messages, each mostly concerned because his ghosting was incredibly unsettling. There was really no reason for it, not a single one I could think of and usually I can think of a million. Overtop of that, I had new feelings for him, really exciting new feelings and I just wanted them back.
I had already deleted O.E.’s number from my phone but, pro tip, if you just search the name that the number used to be saved under, it appears. I texted him “Just say something to me, please”. Forty minutes later, when I heard nothing, I wrote him one last message “It’s hurtful. And you’re no better now then the men who you were so upset by on the occasion that I told you about my past. Now you’re in my past and it’s hurtful. I wouldn’t normally humiliate myself by messaging a ghost over and over again but I honestly don’t know what to do.” Send it. Delete the conversation.
I then text the Eddie from a week ago.
EDDIE: (Immediately) Hi!
ME: What are you doing?
EDDIE: Just got home from my dads. What r u doin
ME: Nothing I was at a work thing earlier. Do you want to come over
I just want to have sex with somebody and I just want them to have sex with me and it matters so little who the person is. I just want an evening with a man
EDDIE: (It takes a minute longer to reply) Yea I do but I’ve been drinking a bit
ME: Me too
I understand drinking doesn’t affect my penis but, might as well be a little relatable
EDDIE: Which isn’t a bad thing. Oh yea. I have a bottle of red with our names on it
ME: Bring it! I have a bar
EDDIE: Where do you live?
ME: But I also have a dog who will jump on you a bit and he smells if that’s ok
I actually usually consider this incentive for men to come over since most of them like dogs but I guess in the case of a sexual engagement with a stranger, it’s just a little off-putting
EDDIE: That’s ok. Would you come here?
ME: Yeah, I can come there. Is that easier?
I just want an evening with a man
EDDIE: It might be easier
ME: What’s your address? I’ll uber. I can leave here in 20.
This is spontaneity. This is what it is. It’s fun. Keep up, Eddie.
EDDIE: I’m so not prepared for this but I have to go to the store lol
ME: Part of the fun is being really unprepared
EDDIE: hahahhaha that’s true
ME: If you make me come over later than right now I’ll be annoyed lol
Definitely not lol-ing
EDDIE: hahahahaha well if one thing leads to another I have to go to the store lol
ME: I can bring you condoms. Is that your embarrassing errand? Also that’s what makes my house better
EDDIE: That would be it lol
Stop laughing nervously, Eddie, just make sure I get to your house, you idiot
ME: “The store” lol
ME: Ok. I’ll bring condoms and we’ll drink your wine. Anything else you need from the store?
EDDIE: I don’t do this often, in fact never have. But I like it
ME: I never do this. We’re doing it though, ok?
EDDIE: I’m flattered that you picked me
SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS
ME: And if we don’t have any chemistry, I’ll tell you I need to go and I’ll go
EDDIE: Do you smoke?
ME: Only cigarettes
EDDIE: I don’t
Why the fuck is this relevant
ME: That’s ok, I don’t need to smoke. I would if it was sociable but I’m an easily controlled smoker. Do you need cigarettes from the store, though? I can bring those too
EDDIE: I don’t smoke, babe
Ew, he called me babe also….what is this nonsense
ME: I was kidding. Do you want me to come over? I don’t mean to impose.
EDDIE: You’re absolutely not imposing at all sweetheart I just didn’t expect to get blessed with you wanted me this evening
EW EW EW EW EW ABORT ABORT ABORT
ME: Do you want me to come over?
EDDIE: I absolutely do but I worked today and I want to be top notch for you
ME: Ok, just tell me not to then. I’m having a hard time with men who don’t say what they men so you can be frank next time
EDDIE: But I don’t want to miss an opportunity
ME: Let me know when you’re into it
EDDIE: I’m trying to and tomorrow if you promise to come I will 100%. Well rested is a huge thing for me
ME: Yeah, for most men. I get it. I can’t tomorrow.
EDDIE: Like it means the difference between me being a good fuck or a mind blowing one and I want you to have me at my best
ME: I get it
And….as if the heavens started laughing at me, Original Eddie texts and I won’t transcribe but he had a severe personal emergency, he’s been out of town and he hadn’t checked his phone in two weeks because of what he was dealing with. Now I don’t need to go anywhere. I just want to talk to O.E. for as long as he’s here. This week’s Eddie is an annoying ass now.
EDDIE: You absolutely can’t tomorrow?
EDDIE: So you’re offering me a one time opportunity right now lol
ME: Not necessarily but I have plans tomorrow
EDDIE: Tomorrow night?
YES YOU TURD
ME: I close at work
EDDIE: So when would be our next chance
Holy shit go away and I’m not even paying attention to you because I’m re-enlived by Original Eddie please leave me alone
ME: Next weekend maybe I don’t know day to day lol
The “lol” is meant to ease the blow and maybe even show that I don’t care
EDDIE: I am horny but I don’t want to run out of steam, I like to fuck for a long time
ME: I don’t know how to help you
EDDIE: I just don’t want to cum too fast or not cum at all lol
ME: I get it
EDDIE: If I was selfish I’d say yea come but I want you to know what to expect lol Maybe I’m too nice
ME: Yeah that must be it ***EYE ROLL EMOJI
EDDIE: Well I’m considerate
ME: You realize you’re also thinking about your own dick and your own sexual esteem. You’re not prioritizing my experience.
EDDIE: Not at all. I actually am. I’m thinking about a lot of things.
ME: It’s ok I really get it
EDDIE: It’s not a confidence thing at all
I don’t think he knows what that word means
ME: I’ve seen a lot of men “fail” though…that’s not at all the right word
EDDIE: Fail at fucking? lol
ME: Yes. Too drunk, too tired, too high, too nervous
EDDIE: Exactly and I know I won’t fail but I know when I’m the best. I just want to know I will make u cum and I’ve been up since 5:30 worked a full day and been out with my family for the rest of it and I want to be able to have my power at 100% for you God damn I want you to cum lol fuck my life
I won’t transcribe the rest because he repeats himself over and over, he’s horny, he wants to know how I like it, he regrets not coming, he wishes he made me come by now, he just gets to be the worst person ever and I am now technically in bed with him because I am lying in bed taking his messages and I fucking hate it. The only thing that makes this not the worst night ever is Original Eddie and his promise to be back.
Great morning, great day. Life has continued productively and my home is finally clean, my dog is sleepy, I’ve found the right incense to mask his smell, I’m listening to vinyl, I’m just pleasant.
Right around 2 PM I hear from Eddie.
ME: (After a while) Hey
EDDIE: How are you doing sweetheart
ME: I’m alright, how are you
EDDIE: Great just home doing some cleaning
ME: Me too
EDDIE: Want to come over late
ME: I think I told you I have plans later. I also should confess it feels like you’ve missed your chance
EDDIE: I’m sorry really. Why
ME: I just don’t like when men put me on hold
EDDIE: I totally didn’t, I was being honest and that’s all I’ll ever be
ME: That’s good
EDDIE: I was too tired and I want to be able to perform 100%
ME: But you let an insecurity keep you from being spontaneous which is a bit annoying to me, is all. Other women might appreciate the staunch honesty but I’d rather have an awkward evening than not have an evening at all
EDDIE: I understand. I’d really like to try again. And no matter what I will do it. I was being respectful. But I can toss that aside.
ME: It’s ok. I don’t really know you and I’m getting the idea that we might have different understandings of what it means to be respectful. Which is totally fine, but I probably won’t throw myself at you again
EDDIE: I just honestly want to be able to fuck you as good as I can
Can we just note his terrible English no matter how well-written my messages are?
ME: I know, I hear that, I get it
EDDIE: Ok so let’s do this
EDDIE: Ok. Don’t take it the wrong way, I feel like you’re punishing me
ME: I’m turned off. It’s not a punishment. It’s not about your feelings. I don’t want to. Because I’m turned off.
EDDIE: Ok. I’m not pushy. It’s all good.
And that’s it.
I will never speak to this person again.
I could have ghosted him but I wanted him to know why I wasn’t into it anymore. He doesn’t understand me. I don’t really understand him. At least this transcription lends a window. Let me know if I’ve been exaggerating.