I’ll be writing for the next month, the last month of my twenty-eighth year, to purge stories from my “romantic” history (inspired by recent abandonment).
In an effort to not be such a bitch, I’m going to protect the anonymity of my past lovers by calling them all Eddie. I have thereby entitled this series, “Eddie, I hate you”.
No one is lonelier than the eight year old girl who realizes that eight years old is the age where chubby is cute, love is pathetic and the older men you develop crushes on eventually go to college and stop thinking you’re adorable.
This monologue echoes the pathetic dealings of my first crush, my mother’s best friend’s son. I remember him. I remember him having a very square head. I don’t remember being “in love” with him but, I suppose it’s a mother’s job to sanctify our most regrettable phases. She has new friends now so I no longer have to hear about this guy. But, the waft of juvenile romantic fantasy into my personal history still makes me blush.
This scene is to be played by one woman on stage
I COLORED THIS FOR YOU, EDDIE
I colored this for you
I don’t know what it is
Bye have fun at school I guess ok bye
(He hugs her. She takes the hug.)
This is my house though so.
Just because, even though our moms are talking doesn’t mean, I don’t know what, I don’t know.
Mom says I love you.
And I heard you say it I heard you say to her that you know I love you but I don’t.
You have a square head.
And then even your eyes are square which is humanly impossible because humans have orbits for eyes so that means you aren’t human and I have to love a human because.
You have a square head so your eyes shape into the shape of your head so they are square so you’re weird and I think you’re weird but mom says that I love you and your mom says that I love you and I heard you say it too.
I heard what you said and you said it and I heard it and I heard what you said.
You said: She loves me.
Eddie I don’t love you
I know I don’t love you because
You don’t love me
Do you have a square tongue?
Do you have a square tongue can I see it?
I don’t want to see it
Let me see it
I don’t want to see it
No, why won’t you show me
Don’t show me
I want to see it
STOP OK STOP OK TELL ME WHEN YOU’RE NOT, STOP, OK
I don’t love you, Eddie
You’re really old
Mom says you’re ten year older than me
Mom says you have a girlfriend
Mom says you’re going to school in a different city
BUT THEN WHO WILL BAKE US PIE
I don’t even like pie
I don’t think I like anything
I don’t even like you
Goodnight goodbye get out
No, it’s ok, go
No, it’s ok go.
NO WAIT NO